Star Cheese
by Derrot
Summary: A twisted version of Star Wars! Eggbeaters, kung fu droids, cheese, hippies, and really annoying songs will change Star Wars forever! *The Empire Goes on Strike is complete!*
1. A New Soap

Star Cheese: Star War's Evil Cousin  
  
******  
  
DISCLAIMER: This is Tori's version of Star Wars, inspired by and for the Dark Writers. Most of it is Tori's work, but does use some elements from Rica and Michaela's version of Lord of the Rings. You can look up Rica's fanfiction.net ID by finding the author Frodo Princess of Darkness or going to my favorite authors and Michaela's ID is Anoriel. Oh yeah, and I don't own Star Wars. I wish, though.  
  
******  
  
A ship was tearing through space near an orange planet. It was being pursued by a large ship with giant egg beaters firing twirling lasers. On board this fleeing ship .  
  
"Impersonating a U.S.P.S. mailbox? Why that's the most absurd thing I've ever heard!" the golden robot C-3P0 exclaimed incredulously.  
  
The short, blue and white robot, R2-D2 tooted back in reply insistently.  
  
"You thought it would make a good Halloween costume! Well, if you get in any legal trouble because someone actually tries to put mail in you, don't come crying to me," C-3P0 said coldly.  
  
R2-D2 made a sarcastic bleep.  
  
"So what if you can't cry! You don't have to be so technical all of the time!" C-3P0 shouted furiously.  
  
More beeping and yelling ensued and C-3P0 even karate-chopped R2-D2, which lead the small droid to try ramming C-3P0 in the legs. They had a nice fight going until the warning lights flashed in the ship and several armed soldiers hurried to the entrance of the ship. The droids just stood and gawked. Then R2-D2 sneakily left. C-3P0 suddenly noticed that his partner was missing and quickly went after him.  
  
The entrance to the ship opened and a dark figure stepped in, followed by many white armored figures. The black figure A.K.A. Darth Vader, wore all black like he was a goth or something and wore a helmet with a built in respiratory mask. He was breathing heavily in a dorky sort of way. Then he began to cough violently and his loyal Storm Troopers presented him his inhaler. After this episode was over, he boomed, "Give us the plans!"  
  
The soldiers looked dumbfounded. "Plans? What plans?"  
  
"You know perfectly well what plans!"  
  
"No we don't!"  
  
"Yes you do!"  
  
"No!"  
  
"Yes!"  
  
"No!"  
  
Then Darth Vader drew a crafty smile under his helmet (with a fine point Sanford Onyx pen, of course) and said, "No!"  
  
However, the Rebels weren't nearly as dumb as they looked. They put on knowing smiles (from their costume chest) and laughed, "You can't trick us! That's like the oldest trick in the book! We watch Looney Tunes, stupid!" Then one of the Rebels from the back shouted "Yes!" So maybe they were dumb. All of the Rebels (except for the dummy) slapped their heads with their hands and then tried to strangle the dummy.  
  
Meanwhile, C-3P0 had finally found R2-D2. He was down the hall with some person who was sliding something into his DVD-ROM drive. "R2, come back here! Now is not the time to be playing movies! We still need to finish our droid to droid fight!"  
  
The person quickly hid back into the recesses of the shadows. R2-D2 let out something that sounded like an "Awww . " and tooted angrily.  
  
"So what if you were going to watch The Lord of the Rings? You've seen that movie a zillion times and I've never seen it! Not once! Serves you right you greedy little - " C-3P0 started to complain.  
  
R2-D2 started to slide over to where the emergency pods were. R2-D2 started to open one up and climb inside.  
  
"What the heck are you doing?!" C-3P0 exclaimed.  
  
R2-D2 beeped indignantly.  
  
"Your horoscope told you to? Ha! My statistics program says that the odds that those things are correct are 52, 713, 290 to 1! You haven't been wasting our master's money on phone calls to Miss Cleo, have you?" C-3P0 went on annoyingly.  
  
R2-D2 was inside the pod and tooted hospitably to C-3P0.  
  
"Do I want to come along?" C-3P0 heard gunfire and quickly climbed into the capsule. "Well, if we get in trouble, it's all your fault!"  
  
So they ejected the pod and pummeled to the surface of the vermilion planet below.  
  
Two of the Storm Troopers were chatting in the corridors, "And then he said, I'm not a toaster, I'm an octopus!" They laughed at this uncomprehendable joke when they saw something moving in the shadows.  
  
They got out their evil egg beaters and started them up. A twirling blue stun beam shot out of them and hit a person. A naughty word followed and then the sound of a body falling on metal. They picked the person up, who was a girl in long, white robes and had a yummy looking hairdo (it looked like a pastry on each side of her head). This would be Princess Leia. The Storm Troopers carried her to their master, where she wakened.  
  
"Meanie," she hissed.  
  
"Spare me the compliments. Now where are the plans?" Darth Vader demanded.  
  
"Plans? What plans?" she asked quizzically.  
  
"Now let's not start that again!" Vader moaned. "Bring her aboard the ship and lock her up."  
  
"Yes, sir," the Storm Troopers saluted as they carried her aboard the ship. Everyone, including Vader, followed. Then they blew up the ship and sped away in their own colossal ship.  
  
What of the droids? Well, they were on the desert-like planet below, surveying the wreckage of their pod. "Why did I ever go along with your idea, R2?!" C-3P0 whined.  
  
R2-D2 whistled.  
  
"What do you mean, let's go this way? It looks dangerous over there! I'm going in the opposite way!" C-3P0 complained stubbornly.  
  
R2-D2 beeped in an arguing tone.  
  
"Why do I always start my dialogue with a question? Well, I think . I think . I think you're ugly!" C-3P0 blurted out.  
  
R2-D2 made a sad, questioning bleep.  
  
"Yes, and you're fat! And see, I don't always start my dialogue with a question, so you're stupid, too! From now on, I won't open my dialogue with a question ever, just a pitiful reminder of how foolish you are, you little demonic - " C-3P0 watched R2-D2 hurry away, making a wailing sound.  
  
"Humph! I'll find civilization first!" C-3P0 called after him. He tried to stick out his tongue, but then remembered that he didn't have one.  
  
C-3P0 walked in the opposite direction of R2-D2 until he found a shiny thing. "It's a nickel!" he shouted triumphantly. But as he approached it, he found that it wasn't a nickel, but a rather small village made entirely out of foil wrap. Little people poured out of it and charged C-3P0 down, then brutally tied him to the ground (like in Gulliver's Travels). Then they quickly ran back to their little tin foil village.  
  
R2-D2 was passing through a canyon by now and began to whistle courage boasting tunes, such as "Zippity Do Da." Then, all of the sudden, a huge mechanical arm came out of it, picked up R2-D2, and dumped him into the back of the garbage truck.  
  
Soon, the villainous garbage truck found C-3P0, too, and did the same to him after some struggle, though, as the little people had tied him down pretty tight.  
  
The two droids were reunited in the trash, and hopelessly wondered what in the world would happen to them next.  
  
******  
  
Did you like it? Tell me what you think! I'll *try* to write more soon, so please don't send e-mail or reviews that say that you'll be mean to me if I don't post more soon (in other words, no threats!). I do intend to finish this story! 


	2. Shut Up Before I Explode!

Star Cheese: Star War's Evil Cousin  
  
******  
  
DISCLAIMER: This is Tori's version of Star Wars, inspired by and for the Dark Writers. Most of it is Tori's work, but does use some elements from Rica and Michaela's version of Lord of the Rings. You can look up Rica's fanfiction.net ID by finding the author Frodo Princess of Darkness or going to my favorite authors and Michaela's ID is Anoriel. Oh yeah, and I don't own Star Wars. I wish, though.  
  
******  
  
"Luke, go take out the trash!" Luke's Aunt Beru called out to him. "And ask if the garbage men have found anything useful lately." You see, the garbage men in Luke's area not only picked up garbage, but still sold usable salvage on the side.  
  
So Luke took the trash out and saw what the garbage men had to offer. "Wow! Droids!" Luke let out an excited yelp. Imagine all the work he could slack off on if he bought droids to do his chores! So he went up to the garbage men to purchase them.  
  
"These aren't just any droids, they are magical droids," the garbage men told him skeptically as he presented his allowance.  
  
"Uh ... well, I got this melty Krakel candy bar - "  
  
"We'll take it!" the garbage men exclaimed excitedly. Luke looked at them funny while they gobbled it up like savages.  
  
So Luke took the droids home. But when his Uncle Owen found out, he threw them out. "You traded your perfectly melted candy bar for two beat up old droids?!"  
  
Luke sputtered excuses, then solemnly went to bed. When he awakened in the middle of the night, he looked out his window to find ... a beanstalk! "They were magical droids after all!" Luke shouted as he climbed out of bed.  
  
Then he fell out of bed in real life and woke up, realizing that it was just a dream. He went outside and found the two droids arguing outside the window. He brought them inside and tried to fix them up.  
  
Luke came across R2-D2's DVD-ROM drive. "You still have a movie in you, little guy!' Luke said excitedly and pushed the play button as there was no remote. A hologram scene from The Lord of the Rings comes up. R2-D2 tooted with thrill.  
  
"I'll go get some popcorn!" C-3P0 got up and went out of the room. "I finally get to see The Lord of the Rings! Oh, Joy!"  
  
Then the scene stopped all of the sudden and was replaced by the image of a girl in long, white robes with a bun on each side of her head. Luke got up close to the hologram and drooled. The girl kept saying, "Help me Obi-Wan Kenobi, you're my only hope!" like a skipping CD.  
  
C-3P0 came back with the popcorn. "Master Luke! Get out of the way! I wanna watch The Lord of the Rings!" he whined.  
  
The holograms stopped and Luke got out of his trance. "Wha?" he spun around, swinging drool. C-3P0 would have cringed if he could. "Hey! Where did she go?!" he demanded to R2-D2. R2-D2 just whistled innocently.  
  
C-3P0, however, was horror-stricken. "Now I'll never get to watch The Lord of the Rings!" he did the closest thing to a cry that any robot could ever hope to manage.  
  
Luke went away, probably back to bed, fuming.  
  
R2-D2 tooted.  
  
"I bet he hates you now, just like I do!" C-3P0 said harshly.  
  
MORNING TIME  
  
Luke and C-3P0 find out that R2-D2 is missing. C-3P0 said that R2-D2 said something about going to an Obi-Wan Kenobi, who sounded an awful lot like Ben Kenobi, someone that Luke's uncle told him to stay far away from. So indeed that's who Luke decided to head toward when trying to find R2-D2.  
  
Luke and C-3P0 find R2-D2 far out by the canyons near where Ben Kenobi is thought to live. Before leaving, though, they hear the braying of donkeys. Luke gets out his binoculars. "Ooh ... it's those Democrats again! I know because I see the Republicans that they were riding on!" (The Tusken Raiders are the Democrats and the banthas are the Republicans, if you haven't guessed already.)  
  
A "Democrat" sneaks up on Luke and knocked him out with their dangerous umbrella! It was about to carry Luke away when ...  
  
A strange sound is heard over the canyons. Then the sound "Wipe Out!" is heard. An old man in hot pink, white flowered Hawaiian shorts rode a surfboard down the sand dunes. The supposed "Democrats" scattered, riding the supposed "Republicans" as fast as they could.  
  
"Wow! You're ... uh ... Ben, right?" Luke asked.  
  
"Right on, dude," the old hippie grinned.  
  
"Oh, I believe this is your droid," Luke said, motioning to R2-D2.  
  
"Droid? What droid?"  
  
"This droid, which claims to be your droid."  
  
"Droid, I can't remember a droid."  
  
"But it's yours!"  
  
"Is not!"  
  
"Is too!"  
  
"Is not!"  
  
"Is too!"  
  
A voice shouted from the canyons, "Both of you shut up before I explode!"  
  
"Is not!"  
  
"Is too!"  
  
They didn't heed the thunderous words.  
  
BOOM!!  
  
An explosion creates a gust of wind that nearly knocked them off their feet and chunks of debris blow everywhere.  
  
"Let's go to my house where there's a bomb shelter," Ben sniffed.  
  
In Ben's Cave, Luke goes through a period of enlightenment as he learns that the old man is Obi-Wan, he learns about the Force, listens to Princess Leia's whole message, finds out that his father was a Jedi, and all that other stuff.  
  
Then they headed back to Luke's house. A huge explosion rocked the earth again and a mushroom shaped cloud hung over in the direction of Luke's house. Luke and Obi-Wan looked at each other. They didn't start arguing again, did they?! Obviously not. So they continued back to the house. They saw dead garbage people on the way, which Obi-Wan pointed out were killed by the evil eggbeater weapons of the Empire's Imperial Storm Troopers. They went farther until they found a huge crater where Luke's house used to be.  
  
Luke cries, "My Pentium 22! My Gameboy Really Super Advance! Noooo!" Luke pouts some more, the word cheese seems to come from him, then he spun around and told Ben that he would go with him to that Alderaan place he told him about. So they have to find a ship to travel in first ...  
  
Now back to Princess Leia, who was previously captured by Vader in the last chapter. Governor Tarkin laughed at her while she was trapped in a glass cell. "If you do not tell us the location of the plans, we'll entrance you with the eggbeater."  
  
"Plans? What plans?" she asked, really confused.  
  
Vader and Tarkin really don't wish to start that again, so Tarkin yells out, "Commence with the cake!"  
  
So an eggbeater comes out as well as several other cooking utensils and they begin to make a cake in front of Leia in her torture chamber.  
  
"Noooo!" she yells hopelessly, for she's ashamed to watch because she can't cook anything at all.  
  
******  
  
Finally I got this chapter up! Did you like it? I'll write more soon, I promise! Oh, and I didn't steal anyone's ideas! A lot of people make parodies of Star Wars and other movies, so don't accuse me! 


	3. Bags of Dirt

Star Cheese: Star War's Evil Cousin  
  
******  
  
DISCLAIMER: This is Tori's version of Star Wars, inspired by and for the Dark Writers. Most of it is Tori's work, but does use some elements from Rica and Michaela's version of Lord of the Rings. You can look up Rica's fanfiction.net ID by finding the author Frodo Princess of Darkness or going to my favorite authors and Michaela's ID is Anoriel. Oh yeah, and I don't own Star Wars. I wish, though.  
  
******  
  
Luke and Obi-Wan take Luke's speeder to Mos Eisly. "Mos Eisly spaceport, you will never find a more wretched hive of bubble gum and silkery."  
  
"Aren't you supposed to say 'scum and villainy'?" Luke asked confused.  
  
"Well, that too, but they also have very nasty bubble gum and itchy silk! And nasty bubble gum that tastes like itchy silk! We must be cautious."  
  
"Ok . . ." Luke murmurs as he wonders how silk can be itchy and how bubble gum can taste like silk. Itchy silk! Oh well.  
  
A Storm Trooper approached. "Who are those droids?" he asked, pointing at C- 3P0 and R2-D2.  
  
"Droids? What droids?" Obi-Wan asked innocently.  
  
Luke made "shh" -ing noises at Ben and looked around suspiciously.  
  
"You know perfectly well what droids!" the Storm Trooper argued.  
  
Luke shook his head violently. No! No! Stop! he thought.  
  
"There aren't any droids here," Ben said, waving his hand.  
  
Luke ducked inside the speeder as if there was an earthquake.  
  
"There aren't any droids here . . ." the Storm Trooper murmured in a stupid daze. He then lumbered away, bumping into stuff.  
  
"How did you do that?!" Luke asked astonished.  
  
"Shiny thing . . ." Ben had a quarter on a string and looked entranced.  
  
"Well, why didn't you use that trick on me, huh? That would have saved us an argument and an explosion!" Luke replied flushed with anger. Apparently, he didn't like the mysterious explosions.  
  
"It uh . . . only works on the weak minded," Ben fumbled for an excuse; apparently he thought the fireworks were pretty.  
  
Luke looked satisfied.  
  
"I didn't say anything about the dumb-minded. Your mind is only strong because of the force," Ben teased. (You see, Ben didn't want Luke to end up like Anakin, arrogant and evil, so you see, when Ben insults Luke, he's not being mean. At least not all of the time.)  
  
They walked into a smelly bar where the "Rockefeller Skank" was playing. "Can we go now?" Luke asked nervously.  
  
"Why?" Ben asked, turning around from the Wookie he was talking to.  
  
"Because I hate this song! Can't the dude say something else for a change?!" Luke blurted out in front of everybody.  
  
A guy next to him seemed offended, "I'm wanted in 10 kitchens for stealing cookies from the cookie jar!"  
  
"Was it you?!" the whole bar shouted in unison.  
  
"Yes it was!" he grinned. Then he got ready to slug Luke in the face, "You just insulted my favorite song, you . . ." Then Ben got out his lightsaber and cleaved the cookie stealer's arm off. The cookie thief ran away crying, "I'm going to go tell my mommy!"  
  
"Wait! Uh . . . I am your father!" Ben called after him.  
  
"Stop stealing my lines, fool!" Vader came out of nowhere and then disappeared before anyone noticed.  
  
Luke sighed from relief then looked up. "Who's he?" Luke gawked, pointing at the Wookie that he had been talking to for quite a while to.  
  
"He's Chewie," Ben said matter-of-factly.  
  
"He looks kind of hairy to me," Luke shook his head.  
  
"No, he's most definitely Chewie." Ben argued.  
  
"That's gross," Luke glared.  
  
Ben was about to retort something, but Chewie roared.  
  
"Oh yes, Chewie is the co-pilot of a ship that we may wish to ride on. Let's go see the pilot," Ben waved his hand to the back of the cantina.  
  
The cantina music changes to Star Wars parodies sung by Weird Al.  
  
"So, you're looking for a ship to Alderaan?" Han asked. "Not Azerbajin? Cheaper."  
  
"Where's that?" Luke asked dumbly.  
  
"I dunno," he grinned. Luke looked like he was going to ask a stupid question, but Han stopped him, "Jeez . . . it's only a joke. Alderaan and Azerbajin? Sound the same? Got it, kid?"  
  
Apparently Luke did not. Poor Luke, poor dense Luke.  
  
"Well, " Ben said getting back to the subject, "only if you have a fast ship."  
  
"Fast ship?! Dude, my ship's the fastest in the galaxy! Haven't you ever heard of the Millennium Falcon?!" Han asked incredulously.  
  
"I believe I have not. And I believe that Tampa Bay is going to win the 2003 Super Bowl," Ben said, suddenly changing the subject to . . . football?! Anyway, yes they are going to win because they already have! I wrote this the day after the Super Bowl (aren't coming up with meaningless arguments fun?!).  
  
"Is not, the Raiders are!"  
  
"Is too!"  
  
"Is not!"  
  
"Is too!"  
  
An extremely short blonde foreign dude pops up from under the table, "Both of you shut up before I explode!"  
  
"Dude, you shut up!" Han retorted.  
  
"Might I suggest the same," Ben glared.  
  
The blonde dude said, "No, you guys shut up!"  
  
"You shut up!" Han and Ben yell together.  
  
"No, you shut up!"  
  
"You shut up!"  
  
"You shut up!"  
  
"Shut up!"  
  
"Shut up!"  
  
"SHUT UP!"  
  
"Ok, both you guys and um . . . me shut up before I explode!" he yelled threateningly.  
  
Ben and Han blinked, then went back to their conversation. "For 10 bags of dirt in advance, I'll allow you to ride on my ship," Han dealed.  
  
"Not the dirt! Not the oholy, osacred dirt!" Luke wailed. "I'd rather buy a whole new ship which would cost 20 bags of dirt than give you 10 bags of dirt!"  
  
Ben ignored the fact that Luke was making totally no sense, "We'll give you 2 bags of dirt now, then 15 bags of dirt when we get to Alderaan."  
  
"17 bags of dirt! Deal!" Han said gleefully.  
  
Ben took out 2 large bags of potting soil out of his cloak (where'd that come from?!) and paid Han despite Luke's constant moans and groans.  
  
Ben and Luke, the latter sniffling, walked out of the cantina. Chewie left too so he could get the ship ready.  
  
As Han got up to leave, he was stopped by a green dude with an ancient, but evil . . . butter churner. "Say your prayers, Solo."  
  
"Oh me, oh my. Go away, Greedo," Han said, heading toward the exit.  
  
"Jabba wants the dirt you owe him, pay him or he'll take your ship. He plans to paint it in psychedelic colors with a Spongebob mural on it."  
  
Han's mouth dropped. "Over my dead body!" With that, Han gracefully took out his cheese grater, started it up, and from its holes sped many lasers that fried Greedo. Han ran outside, but was met with . . .  
  
"Han!" a worm with a belly the size of a house greeted.  
  
"Hi fat . . . I mean Jabba! I see that your calls to 1-800-JENNY have really been working," Han lied.  
  
Jabba blushed, then gained a stern expression. "You didn't deliver my 5,000 frog pizzas from my cousin's pizza place called Pizza Hutt! And those pizza's were worth 10 bags of dirt!"  
  
"Look Jabba, I'll pay you back later! It's not my fault. I was mugged by some delivery boy-eating pygmies!" Han excused frantically.  
  
Jabba agreed, but only if he got 2 more bags of dirt. Han agreed and then hurried to where Ben and Luke were waiting for him. He led them into Docking Bay 94 where 2001: A Space Odyssey music was playing to build up suspense.  
  
"What a piece of crap!" Luke cried out. Han almost hit Luke over the head with a ladle, but Storm Troopers came and started their eggbeaters. "Get in the ship!" Han shouted.  
  
Everyone rushed in the ship and Han told Chewie to take off. "There were several ships trying to go after them, but they escaped them.  
  
On board the ship, Ben teaches Luke more about the force. Chewie and R2-D2 played Wizard chess (yes, the Wizard chess from Harry Potter, Chewie likes Harry Potter because it has the word "Hairy" in it). Finally they come to Alderaan . . . or at least where it should have been.  
  
***  
  
*Cut Back to A Couple of Hours*  
  
Governor Tarkin smiled evilly. "This is your last chance, Princess. Where is the Rebel base?"  
  
"Base? What base?" she started again.  
  
"Fine, if you start that again, we'll blow up your home . . . Alderaan!" The Death Star loomed into view of Princess Leia's homeworld.  
  
"No! You'll kill Rover, my pet snail!" Leia screamed.  
  
"Pity." Tarkin mocked.  
  
"Fine, they are on the planet Danimals," she confessed.  
  
Tarkin smiled, "Commence with the total annihilation of Alderaan. We'll deal with Danimals later. Muahahahaha!"  
  
"No! Wait!" Leia screamed.  
  
The meanies blew up her planet anyway.  
  
"Fools! The Rebels are not on Danimals, that's just the name of a yogurt! Ha! Ha! Fooled you!" Leia cried as she made all sorts of mocking gestures at Tarkin.  
  
That's when he decided to schedule her execution.  
  
***  
  
*Skip Back To Now*  
  
"Where the heck is Alderaan?!" Han cried out, pulling his hair. "And what the heck is that?!" he asked, pointing at a ship that sped past him. Don't you hate it when things aren't where they're supposed to be, and then people come to annoy you?  
  
"The former, the Empire has something to do with, the latter, is an Imperial ship," Ben said softly.  
  
"What's the matter, Ben?" Luke asked.  
  
"I feel the losted souls of billions of people . . . I haven't felt this way since I was a hippie back in the days!" Ben dramatically said.  
  
"But I thought you were a general in the Clone Wars," Luke narrowed his eyes.  
  
"Hey, generals can be hippies, too!" Ben whined.  
  
"Look! It's a spec of light! Bigger than a rock! Shinier than a moon! It's a . . . battle station?!" Luke gazed in horror with the rest of the crew as the Death Star loomed into view.  
  
Then Han's ship, the Millennium Falcon was sucked closer and closer to the battle station via the tractor beam.  
  
******  
  
Ooh . . . finally off of Tattoine and into the Death Star! You know what this means . . . a funnier chapter ahead! Please tell me what you think, because if it seems as if nobody likes my story, I'm just going to get lazy and the chapter updates are going to be slower. I do intend on finishing the story, from Episode Four - Episode 2! And who knows what other surprises I have in store for you . . . mwahahahaha! 


	4. Aboard a Battle Station of Dummies

Star Cheese: Star War's Evil Cousin  
  
******  
  
DISCLAIMER: This is Tori's version of Star Wars, inspired by and for the Dark Writers. Most of it is Tori's work, but does use some elements from Rica and Michaela's version of Lord of the Rings. You can look up Rica's fanfiction.net ID by finding the author Frodo Princess of Darkness or going to my favorite authors and Michaela's ID is Anoriel. Oh yeah, and I don't own Star Wars. I wish, though.  
  
******  
  
Soon the Millennium Falcon was pulled all the way into the Death Star. Storm Troopers were lined up, ready to fire their egg beaters at any sudden movement. Nothing happened. When nobody came out, a couple of the armored idiots were ordered to go inside the ship.  
  
"Come out Rebels! Come out, come out wherever you are!" they shouted, which would not encourage anyone in their right minds to come out. "Aww . . . come out, please, we'll give you a bag of dirt!" A sound was heard, then "shh" noises, then all was silent. "We're not standing by the entrance of the ship to brutally murder you when you come out, so it's safe!" Still silence. This really irked the Storm Troopers, so they yelled, "We know you're in there!"  
  
"No we're not!" someone shouted, probably Luke.  
  
"Darn, and I really thought we heard somebody!" one Storm Trooper exclaimed sadly as he and his partner left the ship and reported to their commander that the ship was empty. They still had to watch the entrance of the ship, though unbeknownst to them was the frying pan and rolling pin above their heads while they were playing their innocent game of Scrabble. Luke and Han bonked them on the heads and stole their clothes.  
  
When they got to a safe room, Luke said out of the blue, "Does this suit make me look fat?"  
  
Everyone gives him looks as if he's out of his mind, "How should I know?!" Han shrugged. "You probably should see a doctor about that, you know Luke."  
  
"About my weight?" Luke asked, tilting his head inquisitively.  
  
"No, your mind!" Han yelled.  
  
"Now, now, stop it both of you; we don't need anymore arguing," Ben warned.  
  
"Master Obi-Wan is right! That odd foreign blonde short dude might have followed us. Could you imagine the disaster that may strike! Oh dear, how that lad frightens me!" C-3P0 exclaimed.  
  
"Ok, I'll take care of everything. You guys stay put," Obi-Wan headed to the door.  
  
"What are doing, leaving us in here with Goldenrod?" Han asked angrily jutting his thumb in C-3P0's direction.  
  
"How rude, may I express my lack of taste for that comment?" C-3P0 said disdainfully.  
  
"Shut up!!" everyone shouted.  
  
"Oh dear," C-3P0 squeaked, shrinking back to a corner.  
  
"I won't be gone long, so just stay here," Ben assured them. He left and then said "Yes!" triumphantly once he was out. No more listening to C-3P0!  
  
Back in the room, Luke had found out some terrible news! The Princess, his crush from the DVD player, was going to be killed!  
  
"We've got to do something!" Luke ran this way and that, stressfully pulling out his hair.  
  
"Whhhy?" Han asked, stretching the word out annoyingly.  
  
"She's really cute!" Luke drooled, but still in a state of panic.  
  
"Whhhy?" Han repeated.  
  
"I dunno, maybe because she's rich and powerful and can buy every cosmetic product on the market!" Luke exclaimed.  
  
"Whhhy?" Han still repeated.  
  
"Because she's a princess *and* a senator!" Luke yelled.  
  
"Whhhy?" Han continued.  
  
Now Luke was getting frustrated, "Can't you say anything else?!"  
  
"Huh? Oh yeah," Han pretended to go to sleep.  
  
"She'll probably give you dirt if you rescue her, but I know that you couldn't possibly be interested -"  
  
"Dirt?! Ok, I'm in," Han got up quickly with alertness.  
  
So they decided to go rescue her from her prison, and having Chewie pretend to be a prisoner.  
  
When they got to the prisoner block, they were immediately met with," Where are you going with that thing? In fact, what is that thing?"  
  
"Oh, he's Chewie," Luke said.  
  
"Chewy? He looks hairy to me," the Imperial guy replied.  
  
"No, he's Chewie!" Luke exclaimed insistently.  
  
"Eww . . ." all of the Imperials gagged.  
  
Chewie then escaped from his bonds and tried to strangle the Imperial that looked like he was in charge.  
  
"Watch out, I think he's rabid!" Luke warned.  
  
This caused scattering of the Imperials.  
  
Han stunned the Imperials with the eggbeater that came with the suit.  
  
Luke went to go rescue Princess Leia.  
  
"Go away shorty," Leia turned away.  
  
Luke took off his mask, "Hey! What a mean thing to say to the guy who came to rescue you!"  
  
The Romeo and Juliet Overture plays.  
  
"Oh Leia!" Luke shouted.  
  
"Oh . . . what's what your name," Leia trailed.  
  
"Luke," Like said.  
  
"Oh, Luke!" Leia shouted.  
  
They embraced each other  
  
The music stops when Chewie's roar interrupts it.  
  
"Ok . . . you kids can save that for sometime else," Han said, raising an eyebrow at them.  
  
Then they are attack by Storm Troopers firing egg beaters. So Han, Luke, Chewie, and Leia are forced to go down the garbage chute, down to the garbage compactor below.  
  
"Eww . . ." Princess Leia held her nose.  
  
Han sniffed, "Hey, it smells like cheese!"  
  
Chewie roared in agreement.  
  
They looked down where they were up to their ankles in Cheddar with garbage floating around in it.  
  
Then a huge black thing rose from the cheese! A black thing with red polka dots and silver skull and crossbones.  
  
"I'm Ricky the Ridiculous Octopus, I want to eat your brains! La la la la la la!"  
  
"He picks up Luke by the foot, then plunges under.  
  
Han tried to shoot Ricky, so Ricky decided to back off.  
  
"Meanies! I'll go to some place more friendlier . . . like the comode!"  
  
He disappeared and a sound was heard. Jenny Craig appeared on a huge TV on the top of the roof. "The trash is about to be compacted, if any body is stupid and icky enough to be in here right now, then now would be a good time to leave. If by some cruel chance you are trapped in here, oh my! Then you'd better lose as much weight as you can fast, so you will be able to survive longer. Good thing I'm a weight specialist, huh?" she winked and began an annoying exercise training video. "And remember, don't eat the cheese!"  
  
Han eyed her angrily, "Who would eat cheese at a time like this?!"  
  
Luke began shoveling the cheesy trash into his mouth.  
  
"Forget I asked," Han moaned.  
  
Luke finally tries paging C-3P0, who is playing Old Maid with R2-D2.  
  
Some Storm Troopers burst in and ask dumbly, "Which way did they go George, which way they go?"  
  
C-3P0 pointed right, R2-D2 used his claw arm to point left.  
  
"Thanks!' the Storm Troopers exclaimed happily and left through the south exit of the room.  
  
C-3P0 shrugged and turned on his communicator and gets Luke's distress call. He panicked, but R2-D2 manages to save them.  
  
Leia and Han fight and everything and they escape the dumb Storm Troopers.  
  
Then they came across Ben and Darth Vader.  
  
"So we meet again, Obi-Wan. But this time is different; this time I am the Iron Chef!" Darth Vader boomed.  
  
"We'll see about that," Ben grinned. Soon, everything a chef could need was pulled up. When Darth Vader and Ben finished, Luke, Leia, Han, and Chewie were to test the food . . . mashed potatoes!  
  
"Darth Vader's food is too spicy," Luke complained.  
  
"Ben's potatoes are too creamy, it's sick," Leia complained.  
  
"Hey, this tastes just right!" Han yelled out. Chewie roared in agreement.  
  
"Those are the condiments, idiot!" Leia smacked him.  
  
"So we tie," Ben observed.  
  
"No! I never want to tie with you!" Vader cried and cleaved Ben in half.  
  
"Ben!!!!" Luke screamed.  
  
However, Storm Troopers with their evil eggbeaters have arrived and start firing at Luke, Han, Leia, and Chewie.  
  
They drag Luke onto the ship, "Yay! The old hippie actually did it; he got rid of the tractor beam!" Han shouted with relief.  
  
They sped away from the battle station, blew up some BOW TIE Fighters that were chasing them. Sure they had a tracking device stuck on Han's ship, but Han was a dummy and didn't do anything. Just argue. He and Luke talked about Leia and how they thought she was a cute, violent tomboy (seems familiar to anyone who watches Ranma 1/2?). When they were closer to the Rebel base, Han decided to turn on the radio, and sixties hippie music blared from the speakers.  
  
"No! The old hippie messed with my radio!" He turned it back to 80's rock and relaxed.  
  
Soon they were on the rebel base on Yavin.  
  
******  
  
Wow! This was the funniest yet! Please give me more feedback so I can be encouragedfuls into writing more! 


	5. Supernova of the Death Star!

In the steamy, hot jungle of Yavin 4, the rebel base bustled with activity. The Millennium Falcon landed outside it.  
  
"Oh Leia! We were so worried about you!" a bunch of Leia's preppy princess friends ran towards her. They noticed Han and Luke. "Aww..." you never told us that you had a boyfriend or two!" They totally disregarded Chewie and the droids.  
  
Leia blushed, "It's not like that, they are just some guys I met on the Death Star. They're not all that bright, either, if you know what I mean."  
  
"We can hear you, you know!" Han yelled through gritted teeth.  
  
Leia and her friends broke into annoying high-pitched "sophisticated" laughs (e.g. titter titter tee hee!!).  
  
They went inside and Luke went to the central briefing room to talk turkey, or um, to talk about blowing up the Death Star.  
  
"We have to shoot a two meter target going at maximum speed?! That's impossible!" a dude next to Luke cried out incredulously.  
  
"It's not impossible! I used to bullseye wombats with spitballs whilst driving my beat-up Ferrari at max speed back home," Luke commented.  
  
"Well, were there a zillion other wombats firing egg beaters at you?" the dude said sarcastically.  
  
Luke gave a hurt expression and scowled. "Meanie," he muttered under his breath.  
  
When the meeting was over, Luke met Han and Chewie packing up to leave with their bags of dirt.  
  
"You're leaving?" Luke cringed.  
  
'Yup,' Han said heaving a box up to Chewie and Chewie placed it on a baggage cart. On the baggage cart, it read "Property of American Airlines." (The Rebels steal more than just Imperial junk!) Chewie dropped a package on his toe and yelped in pain.  
  
"Smooth move, Butterpaws. Hurry up or I'll make you watch those boring C- 3P0 and R2-D2 cartoons that you hate so much (the Ewoks cartoons are cool, but the droid cartoons were booooring!)," Han threatened.  
  
Chewie grunted disapprovingly and slammed the package on the cart.  
  
"Hey, don't get mad at me, it's your own fault!" Han shouted. Soon there was a huge ninja match using fishing poles instead of sticks.  
  
Luke stuck his nose in the air and left them. "Meanies," he muttered under his breath for the second time that day. Then he shouted out loud, "Is everybody a meanie today?!" Suddenly he spotted a ship with R2-D2 being lowered into it.  
  
"Is that *my* ship?!" he exclaimed, rushing up to it with sparkling eyes. He gave it a big hug and rubbed his cheek lovingly upon it.  
  
"Uh...yeah, it most certainly is," Leia said while she and the pit dudes gave Luke disturbed looks.  
  
"SO HAPPY!" Luke cried out and kissed the X-wing. Now the whole crowd of people in the place was looking at him.  
  
Now it was time for the pilots to leave Yavin 4. "Gentlemen.and, uh.gentleladies, start your engines!" The voice of one of the leaders rang out. A huge stop light appeared, dangled on a string by a man dressed in a turtle suit (not the guy from Master of Disguise; it's supposed to be Lakitu the Koopa from Mario Kart). Red...Yellow...Green! All of the X-Wings and Y-Wings and Z-Wings and the rest of the alphabet flew into space to challenge the near Death Star, which didn't look like a star at all. In fact, it was an ugly gray. Or perhaps that's why it's called the *Death* Star. But that's enough philosophy...space was soon becoming a bowl of Alphabets Cereal...with marshmallows (wherever they came from).  
  
Then an otherworldly force took hold of them. The sound, "Mommy, this part's booooring!" was a moaning boom that rattled their tiny ships. Then Mommy pushed the almighty Fast Forward button stopping it on the part where Darth Vader is trying to fire a red turtle shell at Luke.  
  
"I've got you now my pretty! Hee hee hee hee!" cackled Darth Vader.  
  
Han comes and fires a spiked blue turtle shell at Vader; Vader spins off cursing. "I took care of the bloody Black Baron kid, now blow this thing so we can go back home!" Han shouted.  
  
"But I don't wanna!" Luke moaned over the ship's radio communicator thingie.  
  
"Yes you do! It's the mission you've wasted the whole movie trying to complete!" Han told him.  
  
"Is not," Luke pouted.  
  
"Is too," the spirit of Ben argued.  
  
"Is not!"  
  
"Is too!" both Han and Ben shouted together.  
  
"Is not!"  
  
"Is too!"  
  
The short blonde foreign dude just happened to be standing next to the hole in which shooting grapefruit spoons into would blow up the Death Star. "Both of you shut up before I explode!!"  
  
"Is not!" Luke cried out, sticking out his tongue at the Millennium Falcon while going past his target. Of course, dear reader, you know that this will have very little effect on the outcome of the story.  
  
ON BOARD THE DEATH STAR  
  
"The Death Star is unblowupable! Just like the Titanic is unsinkable!" Tarkin bellowed. "Bwahahaha!"  
  
BACK TO THE SPACE BATTLE  
  
The short dude trembled violently. "BOOOOOOM!"  
  
Chunks of the Death Star flew everywhere as the huge mushroom cloud rises over where the Death Star used to be. Luckily the sonic draft took Luke's X- Wing, the Millennium Falcon, and all of the other ships back to the safety of Yavin 4 because too many boo-boo's had been made already that day.  
  
Everyone at the Rebel Base had a pizza party and Leia awarded Luke, Han, and Chewie with cheap fireman chief and policemen badge stickers. C-3P0 and R2-D2 had a luxurious bath in petroleum. The party ends with Leia, Han, Chewie, and Luke giving goofy smiles to each other as if they are trapped in little boxes just like the Brady Bunch.  
  
Then the opening music starts and the introduction: A long time ago in a galaxy far, far away; Star Cheese Episode IV: A New Soap; blah blah blah, rolls across the screen.  
  
C-3P0 gets annoyed, "Wouldn't that have been a whole lot better to be shown at the beginning of the story?" But then he interrupted from his complaining and the screen goes black.  
  
Then a bar of soap appears and just stays on the screen for about 5-10 minutes. Just floating there. Brand new bar of soap. Oh yeah.  
  
********  
  
What do you mean I left out a couple of "la"'s in Ricky's song? How would you know?! This is *my* story, so I can put as many "la"'s as I want! Why would anyone bring that up?! I mean, what kind of review is that?! Anyway, I'm sorry this chapter took so long to update; it's just that I couldn't find the time to type it out! As always, I intend on putting up the rest of the story as soon as I can! I promise! Next is Star Cheese Episode V: The Umpire Strikes Out! 


	6. The Empire Goes on Strike

Star Cheese  
  
********  
  
Before we go on, I just thought I'd introduce you to all the characters thus far...in the perspective that I have drawn them. Well, not literally drawn them, but wrote them. Or whatever.  
  
Luke: A crybaby from planet Tatooine. The Imperials blew up his home with his video games in it and now he's gonna get revenge. Obi-Wan: A crazy old hippie who wins arguments most of the time. Deceased now, but his stubborn old hippieness seems to give him the power to still argue in the afterlife. C-3P0: The voice of reason, but he's so annoying that nobody listens to him anyway. R2-D2: Annoying as well, but his popularity and acceptance is greater than C-3P0 because he's cute. Han: A space pirate that does what he wants to do or whatever he can do to get dirt. He gets irritated and nervous easily, but you would too if you had a huge price on your head and you were surrounded by dummies! Chewie: Very hairy...and deprived of the limelight because he is always in Han's shadow. Leia: Tomboyish princess of the destroyed Alderaan. She has a temper that rivals Han's. Darth Vader: Goth Imperial leader. Even more irritable than both Han and Leia combined! Jabba the Hutt: Has a relative that owns Pizza Hutt, who Han owes money to. Various Admirals, Generals, etc.: No background story, they are just there! Dead People: The dead people (e.g. Tarkin) are dead, and there is no use in mentioning them anymore! Short Foreign Blonde Dude: Fans of the Dark Writers Lord of the Rings stories may know him well, but in this story, he is just the guy who keeps the story from getting too annoying by exploding at regular intervals.  
  
The introduction to this episode starts (at the beginning, thankfully):  
  
Star Cheese Episode V The Umpire Strikes Out  
  
insert boring summary with blaring yet nice orchestral music!  
  
A ship passes over the white planet of Hoth, dropping large snowballs that peacefully floated down to the icy planet below.  
  
"I'm going back to the base," Han's voice crackled over the communicator. "It's so cold that I bet if you lick the ground, your tongue would stick to it! Just like an ice cube! So, are you calling it quits, too, kid?"  
  
"I just saw a big snowball come flying out of nowhere, I think I'll go check it out," Luke replied.  
  
"Ok, but remember, no talking to strangers! No riding with strangers! And definitely don't eat anything from a stranger!" Han informed him, sounding like one of those dummy narrators from those tapes they show to little kids.  
  
"Okey dokey!" Luke exclaimed cheerfully. Then he rode his moaning llama (that spits out Pez candy like a Pez dispenser!) to where he saw the snowball land. Then he noticed that it wasn't a snowball, but a snowman!  
  
A top hat came flying through the wind and as if by coincidence, it gracefully finds itself perfectly on top of the snowman's head.  
  
"Haaaappy biiiirthday!" the snowman greeted Luke. Soon Luke found himself partaking in the festive merriment of eating snowcones with, riding on Frosty like a sled, and dancing around in circles singing mindless Christmas songs.  
  
One of these such songs is "Frosty the Snowman," of course. After it gets annoying, the short blonde dude that kept following them in the last episode shows up in many layers of heavy coats with his teeth chattering. "B-b-both of y-you s-s-s-ssshut up b-before I e-ex-explode!" He was far less intimidating like this, but they stopped anyway.  
  
Then Luke realized that Leia and Han might be worried about him back at the base. He didn't want to just ditch the lovable Frosty, so he devised an "accident." He found a greenhouse and locked Frosty in it and then split before Santa caught him.  
  
He staggered back to the base and stopped when he was barely within fingertip reach. He fell into the snow and the ghost of Obi-Wan came and said, "You must keep going on Luke! You must lose the diapers! You're a big kid now!"  
  
Luke turned beet red, "But..."  
  
"And I also came to tell you that you must go to Dagobah and learn the ways of the Jedi from my diminutive and uhh, interesting former master, Yoda!" Ben exclaimed and then vanished.  
  
Luke then whimpered and his head fell back into the snow.  
  
BACK AT THE BASE  
  
Han told General Reiker that he would have to leave as soon as possible to go pay Jabba off. As he left the command room, he noticed Leia's cold gaze.  
  
"Oh yeah!" he snapped his fingers. "I knew I forgot something!" He stopped in front of Leia and bowed low. "Farewell, your majesticness!"  
  
More cold looks.  
  
Han began to sweat nervously and looked around. Then his gaze locked on hers, "What do you want from me?"  
  
More icy cold stares.  
  
Out of nowhere, he took some roses, a box of Godiva chocolates, and a gift certificate to the Olive Garden. "Now will you stop staring at me?" he asked shrilly and stormed out of the room.  
  
"It worked!" Leia smiled when he left the room, and began shoveling the gifts into a bag. Then she had second thoughts...she didn't want him to leave...not without all the other stuff she could mooch out of him.  
  
Leia caught up with him in the hall. "Why are you leaving?! We need you!!"  
  
"Don't you mean you need me?" Han arrogantly scoffed. "I thought you only liked pretty boys."  
  
Flames seemed to envelope her, a mixture of anger and embarrassment., "THAT'S NOT WHAT I MEANT!!!!!! I meant that the whole rebel base needs you. If you go, then Luke will cry and melt the base again with his salty tears. Don't you remember last time when he found out he had to ride a Pez dispenser llama instead of a pony? It took months to rebuild our base by packing snow into cheap Rubbermaid tubs and stacking the blocks of ice together!"  
  
Han laughed. "I bet you're just saying that as a cover-up. You just don't want me to leave without giving you a goodbye Kiss."  
  
"I'd rather eat a Tootsie Roll," Leia growled.  
  
"I have some of those, too!" Han exclaimed.  
  
"You're impossible," Leia marched away.  
  
AT THE MILLENIUM FALCON  
  
"Master Han, Princess Leia wishes to have a word with you," C-3P0 said.  
  
"I don't want to talk to her, she wants to steal my candy!" Han whimpered.  
  
"But she wishes to know where Master Luke is?" C-3P0 informed Han.  
  
"The kid hasn't come in?!" Han panicked. "This can't be good...I told him not to talk to strangers!" He then goes around to gatekeepers in the base and ask if Luke has reported in. All reports are negative. He then gets upon a llama and starts toward the exit of the base.  
  
"It's too cold out there, your llama will croak after the first marker!" the gatekeeper warned him.  
  
"Then I'll see you in h---"  
  
"BEEEEEEEEEEEEEP!" R2-D2 censored.  
  
"What? I just said ---"  
  
'BEEEEEEEEEEEEEEP!"  
  
"What's wrong with ---"  
  
"BEEEEEEEEEEEEEP!"  
  
"I was just saying what was in my script!" Han pouted and then left.  
  
He found Luke a yard away.  
  
"The goat...peed....toothbrush....eww..." moaned Luke.  
  
"Hang on, Luke," Han said. He looked at the base entrance a yard away, "It looks like we are going to have to camp here tonight." He cut open the llama to keep Luke warm and plugged his nose, "It smells like limburger- flavored Pez!" They had to ignore it though, and they unneccessarily camped out in the snow with the nautious smelling Pex dispenser llama.  
  
In the morning, they awoke and talked over their radio for help to arrive. Help did arrive and carried them a yard back to the base. Luke got a soothing bath in Fruit Punch Kool-Aid and went back to his quarters. Han and Leia were still at by name-calling and mocking-gestures, but Luke didn't mind so much as his reward was a Kiss from Leia. A Dark Chocolate Kiss at that! Then General Reiker called all of them to the security camera room.  
  
On a large screen was a blue-skined elf-looking dude singing merry songs (he also came out of the snow ball after Frosty, but Luke didn't see him). One of his songs began, "I'm Mister White Christmas, I'm Mister Snow..."  
  
"I've never heard anything like it! It may be an Imperial code," said C- 3P0.  
  
"Whatever it is, it is annoying. C'mon, Chewie!" Han said, as he quickly left the room.  
  
Han shoots blue-dude, misses, it explodes, and then he runs back to the base with Chewie. "It exploded! It must have been that short blonde foreign dude in disguise! He knows we are here! We must run for our lives!" So the Rebels begin plans to evacuate.  
  
ON A STAR DESTROYER  
  
"We've found something!" an officer on the bridge of the Star Destroyer called to Darth Vader.  
  
Vader studys the donut-shaped things in the snow, "It's them, I know it!" In reality, he was just hungry, though.  
  
"But it could just be policemen!" Admiral Ozzy argues.  
  
"It's them, you idiot, now get prepared to send down our troops!" Vader ordered.  
  
LATER  
  
"Sir, Admiral Ozzy Osbourne pulled in too close to the Hoth system's energy field!" General Veers tattled.  
  
"Osbourne is a clumsy, slow, retarded idiot!" Vader growled. "Prepare for a surface attack!" Vader then brought up a screen with Admiral Ozzy and Captain Piett.  
  
Ozzy began to choke and gasp, "I...can't...breathe!"  
  
"I told you smoking was bad for you, Admiral, but you wouldn't listen," Piett stuck up his nose.  
  
Ozzy dropped. "You are in command now, ADMIRAL Piett," Vader boomed.  
  
BACK TO THE REBEL BASE  
  
Everyone is hurrying about to get ready for evacuation. The Rebels have also picked up some ships on their radar, which they beleive are an army of the short blonde foreign dude's that is ready to explode at will. They began to build up their army of snowspeeders to combat this nearing threat. Luke got paired up with some guy called Duck. Princess Leia helped the Rebels evacuate. Han and Chewie tried to fix the Millenium Falcon.  
  
Then the Rebels were attacks by SAT walkers! With pencil-lasers! No. 2 pencil lasers! The horror, the horror! However, the walkers and the snowspeeders halted and then began taking it out into the snow. The Imperials attacked with their egg-beaters and the Rebels attacked with snowballs. The Imperials were winning, though, because eggbeaters are more lethal than snowballs except for the occasional snowball with a rock in it.  
  
An eggbeater laser beam hit Duck. "Duck, Duck!" Luke cried out.  
  
"Goose!" a random Imperial yelled out.  
  
The Rebels then got the idea of wrapping the Imperials with Duct Tape, in memory of Duck. First they would tie up the Imperial's feet with duct tape to trip them. Then they would finish the job by wrapping up the Imperial like a mummy. In one case, Luke had run out of duct tape and stuck a rotten egg in an Imperial's mouth. This worked just as well as the duct tape theory.  
  
The outside battle was won when a delusional Rebel, impersonating Tarzan, crashed into the General of the Imperial army.  
  
BACK INSIDE THE REBEL BASE  
  
A giant eggbeater beam shakes the Rebel base. Everyone has escaped from the base except for Leia, Han, and Chewie. The next tremendous shake blocks off the way to Leia's ship, so Han took her to the Millenium Falcon with Chewie and C-3P0.  
  
Vader and his Snowtroopers were hot on their trail. One snowtrooper would occasional stop and try playing in the snow. Vader would scold him and he would stop until another tendecy would overcome him. When they finally got to the Millenium Falcon, he dropped his eggbeater and began throwing snowballs. His comrades followed in suit, much to the diapproval of Darth Vader.  
  
The Millenium Falcon didn't move at first, but after a few sarcastic remarks from Leia, the ship quickly bolted out of the hangar and off the planet.  
  
All the Rebels and Imperials retreated. Admiral Piett now had orders to hunt down the Millenium Falcon and Luke got to his X-Wing with R2-D2 and took off for Dagobah.  
  
********  
  
Again, I'm sorry that it took so long to get the next chapter up, but considering that this chapter was longer than the last one, I hope it more than makes up for it. Plus I added character guide! The next chapter will cover the events in the asteroid field and Luke's encounter with Yoda, who is indeed, um, interesting. Long live the wombats! Um, yeah...so please tell me what you think! What I should improve on? Did you at least get some amusement out of it or did it bore you? Do tell! 


	7. Yum, yum, yum!

Star Cheese The Empire Goes on Strike Chapter 7: Yum, yum, yum! (and this chapter does make me hungry!)  
  
******  
  
Once out of Hoth, the crew of the Millenium Falcon realised a something very important . . . their coffe maker wasn't working. Other than that, though, their hyperdrive wasn't working either, which was kind of important considering they were trying to out rum a fleet of BOW-TIE fighters and a trio of large Star Destroyers.  
  
More bad news came as they entered a field of miscellaneous Easter candy. An Easter colored Runt smacked into the Falcon causing really heavy objects (such as anvils) to fall on Han. Chewie snickered at the circling duckies around his head.  
  
When Han regains consciousness, he began to pilot the Millenium Falcon right into the field of candy.  
  
Feeling that his brains had been knocked out, Leia hit him with a frying pan. "Dummy! Don't go in there, we might get bagged!"  
  
"Not if I can help it," Han said with a new set of geese circling his head.  
  
Han decided that in order to fly the ship, that they should land in one of the candies to avoid being smashed into a crispy rice bunny or to be shot down by their enemys who were still behind them (!!). They went into a big hole inside a large chocolater Easter egg.  
  
MEANWHILE, LUKE IS . . .  
  
Luke and R2-D2 crash landed on Dagobah. The planet had swamps of green, rotten cheese. Luke managed to climb ashore, but R2-D2 had to struggle in the thick dairy product. All of hte sudden, R2-D2 was dragged down into the cheese.  
  
Out of the cheese rose a black horror that Luke knew all too well, with all its red polkadot and silver skull and crossboned glory!  
  
"I'm Ricky the Ridiculous Octopus, I want to eat your brains! La la la la la la!" Ricky sang as he swung R2-D2 around and around.  
  
R2-D2 used his little saw thingie to cut Ricky's tentacle. Ricky began to cry and ran away back down into his cheezy depths, "You meanies! I'll make you pay someday!"  
  
R2-D2 quickly high-tailed it to shore and helped Luke sat up camp.  
  
BACK ON THE MILLENIUM FALCON  
  
Heavy objects are thrown as Han and Leia continue to fight. Poor Chewie has to do all the work while C-3P0 is watching in horror at the fight, "This is horried, simply horrid! This is dreadfully unsuitable for a PG-rated movie! The blood, the blood! The kisses, the kisses! What odd human behavior!"  
  
BACK ON DAGOBAH  
  
A short little green dude jumped out of the bushs and scared the daylights out of Luke.  
  
Luke pulled out his grapefruit spoon and pointed it at the green dude. "He followed us R2!" He cried.  
  
R2-D2 whistled.  
  
"You're right R2, he may be short and foreign looking, but he's definately not blonde . . . unless he's the short blonde foreign dude in disguise and he just wants to explode again!!" Luke gripped his grapefruit spoon harder and tried to keep his hand steady as he pointed it at the green dude.  
  
"Away put your spoon! Explode I will not!" the short dude cowered.  
  
"Hey, he doesn't sound British or New Zealandish or whatever . . . he sounds Chinese!" Luke cried out happily. "I won't shoot you; guns are bad and fortune cookies are good!"  
  
However, the dude had disappeared already to Luke's knapsack. The dude picked up Luke's issues of National Geographic and Highlights, "Yech! How you get so healthy, reading education of this kind?"  
  
"What do you mean? My Aunt Beru said that they were the only magazines that I would be able to enjoy without getting confused. Plus I find their articles very interesting; plenty of pretty pictures," Luke sniffed.  
  
"Bah, interesting that is not. Read this you must. Pretty pictures their are. Only hope for you it is," the green dude said, handing Luke a magazine.  
  
The magazine and its "pretty pictures" burned Luke's eyes and blood squirted relentlessly out of his nose. "This magazine is scary! All of these girls hardly have any clothes on! Doesn't your mommy tell you not to read this filthy trash?"  
  
"Filthy? Trash? My hobbie that is!" the green dude cried out indignantly.  
  
"Look," said Luke. "Han told me not to talk to strangers, and you are, uh, strange, so I really must stop talking to you and go find the Jedi Master I'm supposed to seek."  
  
"Jedi Master?! Yoda, you seek! Bring you to him I will!" the green dude said as he scuttled off happily humming, "Give you food and nice magazines I will, too!"  
  
"Stay here and watch camp, R2," Luke advised R2-D2. He ran up to the dude. "What are we going to eat, sweet and sour pork? Ramen? Egg Foo Yung? I eat Chinese carry-out often!" Luke exclaimed cheerfully.  
  
"Today, kitty we eat!" the green dude gave a big smile as Luke looked as if he was going to pass out.  
  
BACK ON THE MILLENIUM FALCON  
  
Han and Leia are now in a big fight. They draw their weapons.  
  
"I want only one of your nine lives, Tybalt, fiery prince on cats!" Han cried out.  
  
Chewie tries to stop Han, so Leia's frying pan drives into the skull of the distracted Han. "A plague of both your houses!" he cried and dropped motionless.  
  
Chewie uses his toaster to avenge Han.  
  
C-3P0 drinks pop and falls down.  
  
Chewie poisons himself with chocolate milk (which like dogs, is poison to Wookies).  
  
C-3P0 wakes up and sees Chewie poisoned, so he thrusts a highlighter into his hard drive heart.  
  
Han gets up and shouted, "Ok, everybody, no more Romeo and Juliet references.  
  
Everybody agreed, but Han and Leia seemed to start it again in a corrider of the ship, reciting the horror for English students who have to memorize it, the horrid . . . balcony speech! Whilst kissing each other! C-3P0's going to have an overload soon because of his parental controls!  
  
BACK ON DAGOBAH  
  
"I'm not hungry! I don't want to eat this poor kitty!" Luke complained. "I want to see Yoda NOW!"  
  
"Teach him I cannot of the ways of Force and kung fu, spoiled brat he is with respect for his elders he has none of," the short, green dude screamed at the ceiling, pulling his few strands of fake Muppet hair.  
  
The spirit of Ben then appeared. "Chill out, man. I thought we already discussed this."  
  
"But crybaby he is! Potty-trained he is not!"  
  
"You . . . are Yoda?!" Luke cried out weakly, almost fainting. He regained himself, "I am to potty-trained! I just have midnight accidents!"  
  
"Whatever, bedwetter you are," Yoda said sharply. Back to Obi-Wan he said, "Too old he is."  
  
"But that like totally contradicts what you just said about him!" Obi-Wan pointed in an arguing tone.  
  
"What is so creepy about it that is!" Yoda exclaimed.  
  
"Please, Mr. Yoda, sir! I'll be a good boy!" Luke begged at Yoda's claw- like feet.  
  
"Pathetic you are," Yoda's eyes narrowed.  
  
"I'll sort your magazines!" Luke cried.  
  
"Ok!" agreed Yoda, smiling as he patted Luke on the head.  
  
ON DARTH VADER'S STAR DESTROYER  
  
"What is thy bidding my master?" Vader bowed.  
  
The Emperor, a scizophrenic dude in a devil costume and cape, said manically, "I have felt a presence in the Force! Skywalker! He must die! Die, I tell you!"  
  
'But Luke is only a boy, a mere bedwetter. I suppose that when he matures, he may become a threat, but why don't we turn him to our side, the Goth side?" Vader suggested.  
  
"You're right! Totally right! But if he doesn't turn, he must die! Die, I tell you!" the Emperor exclaimed hyperly. "Now how has your kareoke been going, Vader?"  
  
Vader plugged in the kareoke machine and began singing, "I love rock and roll ..."  
  
"Nice, quite nice," the Emperor snored. "Hey, it looks like my best friend, Sherrie is here! Hi Sherrie, this is Vader! Vader, meet Sherrie!"  
  
Vader did not see anyone.  
  
"I should go now! Now! The pizza is here! Sherrie loves pizza!" the Emperor ending the transmission.  
  
Vader sighed. It is too bad that he is afraid of asking a psychiatrist to have a look at his Emperor.  
  
BACK ON THE MILLENIUM FALCON  
  
"Aaaaggghhh!" Leia screamed as she saw a spaghetti noodle attach itself to the front of the Millenium Falcon.  
  
Han, Leia, and Chewie went outside to blast it off, but they were attacked by the Spaghetti-O man! They hurried back inside and left the inside of the chocolate Easter egg. Instead they found that they had really gone into a worm that was inside a caramel apple! Luckily, they escaped.  
  
BACK ON DAGOBAH  
  
Luke had learns lots about the Force and kung fu. Now he had to lift his ship out of the swamp. Luke sat down and meditated.  
  
"Do or do not, there is no try!" Yoda declared.  
  
"Be quiet, I'm trying to concentrate."  
  
"Do or do not, there is no try!"  
  
"I told you to be quiet!"  
  
"Do or do not--"  
  
"Shut up!"  
  
"Do--"  
  
"Fine then, I quit," Luke sulked.  
  
"On you shame is, fail this is why," Yoda scolded, but snickered silently.  
  
ON THE STAR DESTROYER  
  
Bounty hunters (and huntresses) receive orders to find the Millenium Falcon, the reward being a day's worth of playing Vader's holo-video games: like on the Ree-box, GameOval, and Battle Station 5 (no comment on the abbreviation!)!  
  
ON THE MILLENIUM FALCON  
  
The coffee maker still wasn't working! Neither was the hyperdrive when they finally got out of the Easter candy field! So Han gets an idea ... he swoops down close to the bridge of the Star Destroyer and attached it to the hull of the ship next to the trash dumpster, where it stinks REALLY BAD!  
  
"Dummy!" Leia beats Han on the head with her frying pan whilst holding her nose.  
  
ON THE STAR DESTROYER  
  
Captain Needa acts like a foolish idiot and tattle on himself for losing the Millenium Falcon (they were right under his ship, Jeez!). Vader, sick with Needa's goody goody two shoes act of nobility (because it made him look bad), destroyed him with a blender. How ... terrible? Not.  
  
ON THE MILLENIUM FALCON  
  
The Imperials dump their trash, so the Millenium Falcon blends in by tumbling away with the trash as the Star Destroyer leaveas into hyperspace. They resolves after many for frying pan beating to go to Crowd City, unaware of the evil ship of Bozo Fat that folled them.  
  
ON DAGOBAH  
  
"Luke, bad boy you've been, drawing clothes on girls in my magazine you should not," Yoda scolded. "Now into cave you must go."  
  
"But I don't wanna! It's dark and scary in there!" Luke cried, but Yoda pushed him in.  
  
"Need you lifesaver, uhh, lightsaber you do not."  
  
Luke stuck his tongue out at Yoda and went into the cave. There he saw Vader and began to cry. However, he mustered up courage and remembered watching Highlander one time. It was scary, but he remembered the heads being cut off very clearly. So he swung his lightsaber as if he was McCloud and cut Vader's head clear off his shoulders. Then the helmet broke apart and under it was ... Luke's face, with a big pimple on him nose!"  
  
"No!" Luke moaned. Needless to say, he never defaced Yoda's magazines every again, except on Thursdays. Yoda was pleased that he had taught Luke a valuable lesson.  
  
******  
  
Yay! We met Yoda this time! Next we will meet Lando! And it will the last Empire Goes on Strike chapter! I changed the name because one of my reviewers informed me that the Umpire Strikes Out already has been used by Mad magazine. I want to be original! Thank you! As always, I will continue to write until I'm finished with this spoof. It's taking me awhile to post my chapters because I can't type fast and there were some other stuff I was doing on the Internet. Now it is summertime, so I should be to post quicker! Yay! Please e-mail me if you have any comments, I like hearing what you have to say about my stories! And if you just want to chat, that's fine, too ^_^ Wait, did I mention I changed my pen name and my e-mail address? Hope I didn't confuse anyone. The next chapter for Star Cheese should be ready in at the most, a few days, so check back often! 


	8. Daddy's Little Boy

Han, Leia, Chewie, and C-3P0 try to find a parking spae in Crowd City. This, however, seems to be near impossible.  
  
"Why does it have to be a Saturday? Why?!" Han yelled, while yelling, uhh, stuff at people who took the parking places he was trying to get.  
  
Soon his shouts had the police, whose car looked like two Gobstoppers stuck together ... more yum!, after him. He explained over the comlink that he was looking for Lando and he magically got a private parking place! Han joyfully parked on the large reserved space.  
  
Lando met them as they got out of the Millenium Falcon. The first thing they noticed was that he was dressed like Superman, cape and everything. He kept giving Han the evil eye.  
  
"What?!" Han spazed out.  
  
"Meanie," Land said stiffly. "Why did you come back? I thought we were never going to see each other ever again because you broke my Atari!"  
  
"Dude, that was when we were 10! Can't we kind of forget that and be pals again? I really need you to fix the hyperdrive on the Millenium Falcon, please?" Han pleaded.  
  
"Now you broke my ship! Villain!" Lando gritted his teeth.  
  
"Your ship?! I won that ship fair and square!" Han exclaimed.  
  
"You cheated!"  
  
"Did not!"  
  
"Whatever." Then Lando's eyes fell upon Princess Leia and his heart nearly burst out of his chest. He took her hand, "Welcome to the crowds, madmoiselle."  
  
He delicately kissed her hand and Han broke into a jealousy fueled fume. "I saw her first! Get your own girl!"  
  
Lando raised an eyebrow, "You've always been breaking my stuff every since I met you! This charming lady more that makes up for it."  
  
Leia stuck her tongue out at Han and walked hand in hand with Landa to her room. Han followed, looking like he was going to strangle Lando. Chewie followed, snickering, while C-3P0 began talking to his imaginary friends, "Hi I am C-3P0, human-cyborg relations ... now I will sing a song. This land is my land, this land is your land, from California ..."  
  
However, when walking through Crowd City, Porky Pig jumped out from behind a trash can.  
  
"H-h-h-hey y-y-y-y-you!" Porky whispered.  
  
"Why, it's a talking pi--" C-3P0 was about to exclaim.  
  
"Y-y-yeah. J-just b-b-b-be quiet and f-f-f-f-f-follow me."  
  
"Where are we going?"  
  
"U-u-u-hh, it's a s-s-s-s-surprise!"  
  
"Oh, my! That certainly strikes my fancy! How wonderful! Is it oil?"  
  
Chewie realised C-3P0 was missing, though, and bravely made porkchops out of Porky Pig. He brought C-3P0 back to the apartment room to fix the dismembered C-3P0 (evil Porky Pig!), but then it was time to eat lunch or dinner, or whatever.  
  
As soon as the dining hall door opened, Han, Leia, and Chewie (C-3P0 was in Chewie's backpack) saw the gothic horror of Darth Vader in the host's chair and Bozo Fat beside him.  
  
"Oh great, now I've lost my appetite!" Han moaned.  
  
"Too bad, I'm starving. I went through all the trouble of making this meal, so you better eat it and enjoy it!" Vader boomed.  
  
Then the Storm Troopers seated Han, Leia, and Chewie in their chairs in proper gentlemanly fashion.  
  
As soon as they began to eat their meal, Vader stood up. He made an odd stance and began to sing in his deep voice:  
  
"Day O ... Me say Day-ay-ay O ... Daylight come and me wanna go home ..."  
  
Han, Leia, Chewie, Fat, and Lando fell a strong force lift them out of their chairs and serve as chorus for Darth Vader.  
  
"Come Mr. Tallyman tally me banana Daylight come and me wanna go home Six foot, seven foot, eight foot bunch Daylight come and me wanna go home Six foot, seven foot, of ripe banana! Daylight come and me wanna go home ..."  
  
A gothic girl rushes into the room and cries out, "Jar Jar Binks, Jar Jar Binks, Jar Jar Binks!"  
  
Jar Jar appears out of nowhere and says, "Okee Day!"  
  
Darth Vader growls, "How dare you ruin my beautiful dinner! Now you shall die!" Jar Jar chokes and falls down and vanishes. The ghostly voice of Ben is heard, "Nooo! You're not a Jedi, go away, man!" Lydia rushes out of the room in fear.  
  
"Well, I guess I'll just have to torture you since my dinner's been ruined," Vader dismissed the table absently. Storm Troopers carry Han, Leia, and Chewie off to be tortured.  
  
BACK ON DAGOBAH  
  
Luke had sensed his friends pain ... and jeez it hurt. Advil didn't work, so Luke came to the bright conclusion to stop the feeling of his friend's pain was to rescue them, so he readied his ship (which Yoda reluctantly stopped watched his naughty movies to rescue from the swamp). Before leaving, he was given lectures.  
  
"Luke, avoid the Goth side! You may impressionistic with all your greif when you fight Vader, but don't take that easy path! The Emperor just wants you to sing heavy metal with Vader to improve their band!"  
  
Luke nodded, "I won't fail you, besides, I don't like heavy metal. I like soft rock. Bye bye, I'll come back to finish my training and sort your magazines, I promise!" Luke took off through the atmosphere is Dagobah and into space.  
  
"That boy is our only hope, man," Ben muttered to Yoda.  
  
"No, another is there," Yoda waddled back to his hut to finish watching his movies. Ben followed.  
  
BACK ON CROWD CITY  
  
Lando walks into Han, Leia, and Chewie's cell after they've been tortured. Han makes a kung fu stance and almost falls over ... Lando nonetheless gets a convenient call on his cell phone to come over to the freezer room. Lando goes to the freezer room, where Vader is preparing a huge vat of yogurt.  
  
"What are you going to do with all that yogurt? It doesn't look like you're going to eat it," Lando then looks at Bozo Fat (who is really fat) and looks like he's going to say something on second hand, but Vader speaks first.  
  
"I'm going to freeze Luke in yogurt to deliver him in a tasty prize for my master," Vader boomed.  
  
Lando rolled his eyes, "Ok then ..."  
  
"Are you doubting my methods?"  
  
"No, it's just wei--"  
  
"I'll show you it is superior to all other capture methods; bring Captain Solo!"  
  
Lando fetches Solo, and has to bring Leia and Chewie with him as they cling like magnets to him. Solo is prepared to be dunked in the thick and creamy yogurt, and Chewie roars and Leia, well, knocks out people with her frying pan. Romantic music is played while Han and Leia share a last kiss (for this movie) and she admits, "I love bashing in your head, you're a stud when you're unconsious!"  
  
And Han just nodded without really thinking, "I know." He was dunked into the yogurt, froze, and pulled up again, his expression in extreme horror as he likes his fruit on the bottom of his yogurt instead of all scattered in it like it was now.  
  
Leia cried because she wanted the strawberries, Chewie roared because he was just plain hungry. Vader ordered for the yogurt freezer to be reset for Luke and for Leia and Chewie to sent to his ship. Han was given to Bozo Fat, who probably shouldn't have been trusted with a man encased in a ton of frozen yogurt, but oh well, that's how sci-fi life is.  
  
As Leia and Chewie were being taken away, Leia spotted Luke down the hall, "Luke, you big dummy! Go away, it's a trap!" This drew attension to Luke, though, and he was shot at. He opened a door and a huge tentacle slithered out. He slammed it. He opened another door, but it had a smurfette dressing inside. He slammed that door, too. The he hesitantly opened door number three ... and since nothing tried to attack him or scream at him, he walked it. The door slammed shut behind him. "Nooo!" he collapsed and pawed at the closed door. Then he smelled ... yogurt! (Perhaps this chapter should've been called Yum, yum, yum II) He crawled over to the yogurt, when all his force and kung fu training had paid off. He had sensed something. "Hello! Anybody there? I need to know where the bathroom is!"  
  
Vader stepped out of the shadows, "So, you made it without wetting your pants ... barely. (Short Foreign Dude: Cut it with the pee references before I explode!!) Vader sighed and continued, "But you are not a Jedi yet."  
  
Luke got up and whimpered. Vader made a blow to Luke's side, Luke parried it. Luke made a blow towards Vader's head, Vader parried it. This battle goes on like this for a few moves, until Luke is pushed into the yogurt.  
  
"Aaahhh! Strawberries! I'm allergic to strawberries! They burn! Ow ow ow ow ow ow!" Luke cried as he skyrocketed out of the vat of yogurt.  
  
"Impressive!" Vader laughed. Vader reached into the yogurt and threw a strawberrie at Luke and Luke dodged it in slow motion like on the Matrix. "Most impressive!" A food fight had begun.  
  
BACK TO LEIA, CHEWIE, AND LANDO  
  
"You did not break my stuff, so I will set you free! Free the little breadsticks!" Lando called out. Leia and Chewie looked around nervously, wondering what that was supposed to mean. Then the whole Mafia came and used their Rambo-like skills with a machine sifters to dispose of the Storm Troopers. Then he began to pass around guns, "Here's one for you and you and you and y--"  
  
Chewie choked him. Lando tried to say something. Chewie shook him, "Rrooaara!", which means "What did you say?" Lando didn't say anything as he was being choked and shook and the combination of lack of oxygen and lack of consciousness wasn't allowing him to speak.  
  
Leia finished off Lando's punishment by taking out her handy dandy frying pan and whapping him on the head with it. Lando's consiousness went on and off with each whap, and the whapping finally stopped when he was unconsious, which made him consious if that makes any sense. Geese flew around his head, "There ... is ... still a ... chance ... to save ... Han!! At the ... East ... platform!!" he moaned.  
  
However, by the time they reached the East platform, the Slave I was already airborne and some dudes were already setting up hot dog stands. After fits of despair and funny warped faces, they began to run to the platform where the Millenium Falcon was parked.  
  
BACK TO LUKE  
  
"Luke, you must use your anger if you wish to defeat me!" Vader advised, wiping the spattered yogurt off his cape. "You must stop this childish nonsense!"  
  
Luke was on top of one of the ceiling beams throwing yogurt down on top of Vader and laughing manically, "Nevaa! Mwahahaha!"  
  
Vader uses the Force to push Luke off of the beam and chased him down to a bridge just outside the room. Vader swung at Luke and cleaved off his hand!  
  
"Noooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo oooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo oooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo oooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo oooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo oooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo oooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo oooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo oooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo oooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo oooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo oooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo oooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo oooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo oooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo oooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo oooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo oo(::SHUT UP BEFORE I EXPLODE!::)ooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo oooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo ooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo(::BOOOOOOM!!!!!!::)ooooooooooo oooooooo!" Luke cried out. Then he pulled down his sleeve and saw his hand still there. He sighed out of releif and said, "Oh."  
  
"Luke," Vader stretched out his han to Luke. "Luke, join me! Join the Goth side!"  
  
"No, I'll never join you! You almost poisoned me with strawberries and you nearly dismembered my hand!" Luke whined.  
  
"Obi-Wan never told you what happened to your father," Vader said mysteriously.  
  
"He told me enough ... he told me you locked him up in a psychiatric ward!" Luke pouted.  
  
"No, I am your father!"  
  
This took a few moments to sink in for Luke. Luke brightened, "So they let you out?"  
  
"No!" Vader slapped his forehelmet. "Obi-Wan just lied to you because he's a Goth-hater. He doesn't appreciate the beauty of the Goth and thinks we're just crazy. Luke, you are powerful! You can destroy the Emperor! Now there's a REAL nut as REAL as Californian cheese! Together we can rule the galaxy together, as father and son!"  
  
Luke seemed to consider, looking down and gulping. Then he ...  
  
I N T E R M I S S I O N  
  
reached out his hand to Vader and called out, "Daddy!!!!!!" but he tripped and fell down the hole. Luke go down the hole. He slid down tubes and landed on a weather vane. On the weather vane, he sucked his thumb while moaning, "Daddy ... Daddy ... Ben ... Ben ... Leia!"  
  
BACK TO LEIA, LANDO, AND CHEWIE  
  
By this time they were already on their ship heading out of Crowd City. Leia heard Luke's whining and turned the Millenium Falcon around to go rescue Luke. Lando began to protest, but Leia exclaimed, "If he doesn't get rescued, he'll just keep whining there and give me a headache! Then I'll have to pan myself!"  
  
They rescued Luke and got away with the hyperdrive, which actually worked this time! They also enjoyed a nice cup of coffee, too!  
  
ON VADER'S SHIP  
  
"I thought you took care of their ship!" Vader boomed to his officers.  
  
All the Imperials lift picket signs and one brave leader say, "Well, we went on strike!" while the other officers circle Vader while chanting, "Strike, strike, strike, strike, strike, strike ..."  
  
BACK TO THE REBELS  
  
Lando and Chewie go chase after Bozo Fat to rescue Han while Leia and Luke stare at space. Space. Space with no soap. No soap! Soap no with space! Aiyaiyaiyaiyaiyai!  
  
******  
  
*pants* Finally done with "The Empire Goes on Strike". I love all of you reveiwer peoples! ^_^ You can also send your comments to me via e-mail. Now until "Return of the Red Eye" is posted, I shall amuse myself by repeatedly pressing the down arrow in Word Pad to hear that nifty *ding* *ding* sound. I wonder if I can find it on the Internet somewhere and burn it on a CD ... Taco Bell! 


End file.
